


Message In a Bottle

by Irreplaceable



Series: The Letter [1]
Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Because someone had to :-), Explains Liz's behavior during s3b, F/M, Liz drafts a letter to Red to get some things off her chest, Mild Brief Smut, Set between s3:23 and s4:01, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:02:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7827808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irreplaceable/pseuds/Irreplaceable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set approximately two weeks after Kirk's posse finds Liz, Agnes, and Tom in Cuba. While still captured by Kirk, Liz works her slight-of-hand magic and obtains pen and paper to write Red a letter. Because she just can't keep these secrets to herself any longer; and she does't know if/when they will ever be reunited but hopes the letter might eventually make it into Red's hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Message In a Bottle

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I am completely indebted to Jon Bokenkamp for his creation of The Blacklist and its characters, and to the powers that be at NBC/Sony who in a display of intelligence green-lighted the brilliant pilot in 2013. I have no claim to ownership and make no profit. As of the publication date it remains to be seen if this becomes canon or AU.

June 2, 2016  
  
Raymond,  
  
I’m still working out how I will manage to get this letter delivered to you but I’m not completely without hope since it was quite a feat just to obtain this paper and pen off one of Kirk’s men, yet I pulled it off somehow. I pray that it makes it to you, soon, because there is so much you need to know and I fear it could be some time before we are able to find each other again. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. A selfish and presumptuous part of me hopes that you are still willing to burn the world down to find me. (Dare I hope you feel the same sense of guardianship towards Agnes?) However I would not be surprised if you now despise me after my betrayal to you, my friends, and colleagues.  
  
To get through the days I focus on my one goal, to be reunited with Agnes and you Raymond. The small amount of time I had to hold my beautiful little girl after delivery and again on the day Tom arrived in Cuba are etched in my memory. She is precious and pure, a blessing I did not foresee coming into my life. When I quiet my mind I can still smell her wonderful baby scent. And see the likeness of her father in her crystal clear eyes, bow shaped lips, and pert little nose. It was literally painful in the first few days after her birth when I was unable to nurse her, my breasts aching with the fullness of milk meant for her growing baby body. I had every intention to breastfed my child and I wept for weeks wondering if she took to bottled formula easily. Then those thoughts would lead to self-flagellation since I was the one who caused our physical separation in the first place.   
  
I’m mentioning all of this to you because I hope it gives you a glimpse into how desperately I love Agnes; that it will help you to know that it was desperate maternal love that drove my inconsistent and at times irrational behavior during my pregnancy. The required child psychology classes I took in college described the deep bond between a baby and its mother, so dare I say I should have been better prepared than most expectant women for the feelings that would flood me, but as you know the situation I found myself in during my pregnancy was far from the average woman’s. My actions and behavior in the face of my situation were driven in part by the unsafe environment I felt myself to be in and the maternal instincts screaming in my head to do anything and everything to keep my baby safe from harm. I am not proud of the subsequent results. In fact, I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for the hurt I caused you and the deceptions I knowingly participated in with Agnes’ safety as my utmost goal.   
  
When I missed a few periods while we were on the run, I wrote it off, told myself that extreme stress can cause a woman’s cycle to shut down temporarily. Other than the missed periods the only other symptom I noticed was mild nausea which I also dismissed as anxiety over the danger we faced each day. I convinced myself that once we were no longer on the run and safer, my cycle would resume its normal course and the nausea would go away. But after my release from jail, I could no longer deny to myself the small changes to my body that I saw in the mirror. I took 3 home pregnancy tests one early morning, just to be absolutely sure. Tears ran down my face and blurred the three successive + signs from my view. Tears of joy and happiness. I drove to your house to share the news with you first. Kate was just leaving and warned me of your mood but it didn’t faze me, I continued into the living room with a bounce in my step near ready to burst in my excitement to tell you. But before I could begin, you gave me the next name on the blacklist. You made it clear that there would be no rest for either of us and that you fully intended on continuing with the dangerous work that has been our team’s mission for the past two and a half years. It was then that I panicked at the realization that the life growing inside of me would always be in danger what with no end in sight for the task force and the mission since your list seems to be unending. “And if your enemies ever found out…” Those words went through my head over and over again.   
  
I do love you Raymond. I think I have for quite some time but ran from it because somewhere in my unconscious I was afraid to unleash the overwhelming passion I have for you fearing it would consume me whole. It became impossible for me to suppress the feelings nor hold them back any longer on that beautiful night in our cargo container when you showed me the stars… “When I look at you, that's what I see. I see my way home.” I will remember those words until my dying day. I lacked the words in that moment to describe in return all that you mean to me, so I chose instead to try to give you some idea of my feelings by sharing myself with you that night. The memories of that evening keep me company in my darkest hours. It was magical. I suspected you would be a generous, skilled lover but the actual experience of your hands, mouth, and cock touching and filling my body were simply, well amazing! I loved the sound of your voice whispering my name in my ear, the groan that escaped you when my tongue first teased the head of your erection, and your even louder groaning when you came inside me. There is simply nothing sexier than the words and sounds that come out of that delicious mouth of yours. And to be quite blunt, I never imagined in my naughtiest dreams (which you have featured in for quite some time) full-body orgasms like the ones you gave me over and over again. Right now I wish I was as eloquent as you, these words seem incomplete and not worthy of what we shared. They also seem unworthy of what we created together at that moment. Yes Raymond, we conceived Agnes that night.   
  
You are the father to a beautiful baby girl. Which should be cause for celebration and joy for both of us, a wonderful ray of light and hope brought new into the world. Instead, mere hours after confirming the pregnancy at home, all I could imagine was a target aimed directly at our child if your enemies learned of his or her existence. I made a rash decision, on the heels of your business-as-usual attitude that day, to conceal our child’s paternity. And begged heaven forgive me for what I felt I had to do next in furtherance of my plan. I needed to quickly find someone else to be the “father” and unfortunately the only choice that came to mind was Tom. My only solace that I allowed myself was that if I could pull this deception off, he would be able to help guard and protect our child should any of your enemies ever find out the truth of its paternity. It was a huge gamble but the necessity of this plan was further reinforced in my mind when I was attacked by a stranger who’d recognized me from the news and I wound up in the ER. I checked in under my own name, Elizabeth Keen. Surely some, if not all, of the hospital staff that cared for me that awful day were familiar with who I was thanks to 24/7 news coverage during the manhunt for us. When the doctor announced the “news” to me I experienced utter horror and fear that this information would be leaked to the press. Not long after that day, it was your statement, “I assume Tom is the father,” that etched the plan in stone. It broke my heart to pieces that your wall of self-protection (and self-loathing?) is so strong that you immediately denied yourself even the idea of fathering a child; but it made my plan that much easier. The only thing I worried about after that was that you and Tom would both put the math together when my “premature” baby was delivered at the size and weight of an average full-term birth. But men being men, i.e. not much for attention to detail for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I figured there was a fair chance it would go unnoticed.   
  
There were many times during the pregnancy where I almost faltered and backed out of my plan. At least two dozen times I drove myself half-way to your current crash-pad only to turn around and go back to my apartment or the office. I was in anguish knowing in my heart and good conscious that you deserved to know the truth. But the fear kept me locked into a plan that I could barely stomach whenever I had to put my best grifting skills into practice to get Tom to unknowingly go along with my plan. It was all I could do some days not to scratch off my skin after allowing his caresses. In hindsight now, I want to kick myself for my misguided belief that Tom could protect a child. Please know that my sole intention was to raise Agnes as Tom’s child. The thought of going so far as to fake my own death to protect our child never occurred to me until Kate suggested it at the nightclub. After the shootout at the church, the chase by Solomon and his men, then finally an emergency C-Section…all I could think of at that moment was protecting our baby against the world. So when Kate approached Tom and me with her spur-of-the moment proposal, in that moment, it seemed like a good idea.  
  
Raymond, I would not blame you if you never want to see or speak to me again after my actions. From the minute I woke up the first morning, alone, in the safe house Kate spirted me off to, I regretted what I’d done. As you know I’m not a religious woman, but on that first day there I found myself praying to be forgiven by God for what I’d done to Agnes and you, and begged for mercy and protection for you both. In my despair and self-pity at my self-imposed separation from you both, the thought of suicide crept into my mind. But just as I began to contemplate what means might be at my disposal, my breasts began leaking and I knew I would never take myself from this world. I know the pain of growing up without a mother and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that Agnes never experiences the loss of hers until she is well into a secure and happy adulthood. She needs her father too so please take care of yourself and do not take any unnecessary risks. I am so thankful that you have Dembe in your life because I know he has your back always.   
  
Raymond if you do receive this letter, I beg of you, please rescue Agnes first! I strongly suspect she and I are not being held at the same location as I have not seen her since we were ambushed in Cuba a few weeks ago. I look for an escape opportunity daily and hope to make it out on my own, ideally with our daughter if she is by chance located here also. Agnes always comes first Red, please promise me that! Please also have mercy on Kate and forgive her, I believe she truly thought she was doing the right thing to protect our child from ongoing danger. I am terrified to face your wrath over what I’ve done, knowing that I need to accept the consequences of my actions, but yet I still look forward to the day I can see you face to face again. Because I still hold out hope that somehow I can redeem myself in your eyes and you will come to forgive me someday…and that you could still love me and accept my love in return. My dream is to raise our daughter together and to share a life with you. I love you; passionately, devotedly, and eternally.   
  
-Your Lizzy

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: This is my first fanfiction, I would love feedback! I am also looking to offer beta service to other FF writers of The Blacklist and Labyrinth (1986).  
> Originally published on my Jesterbing accounts at DeviantArt and Tumblr.


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